Well it happened. I did lose everything. I lost my apartment, my job, my car, and not least of all my cat. It was at my own hand though. I'm a victim of my own doing. My cat is just a temporary separation but still that's painful enough. I have the most guilt and anguish over being separated from my cat than anything else. I spent nearly 3 months in the hospital from playing Russian roulette and losing. I can't honestly write further without acknowledging what I gained from this experience. I have very loyal and helpful friends in my life that I had begun to ignore. If not for these people I'd be out in the street or worse. I cherish all they do for me on a daily basis. My spirit is not what it used to be though. I feel low and inadequate. Almost empty. The path back to normalcy is overwhelming and littered with road blocks. I am trying to grow a new and better brain to help me deal with life in general and make healthy choices. I want to be someone else. I'm so uncomfortable in myself that I'd do anything to get away from that person that I am. I'm so constantly self conscious it's exhausting. I get through the days trying to keep busy and trying to show appreciation for all that is given to me. I don't feel like it's enough though. I feel so indebted to everyone that I'll never be able to truly show all my appreciation or repay them sufficiently. I feel like a leach and my self esteem is suffering for that. It's a beautiful day today and that makes me feel somewhat positive but that's hard to maintain with all the other garbage that goes on in my head. I should have a great attitude for being given this second chance at life but it's hard to muster up. My flame did indeed almost go out but somehow stayed lit. Now it threatens to consume me. I wake up every day struggling for a positive attitude but it's hard to maintain as I try to look ahead and get completely overwhelmed. I need to slow down and figure things out one at a time. But I get started and can after can of worms begin to open until eventually I'm buried. Just had to vent for a while. Maybe future posts will be less morose. I've whined enough now I think.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
cheese with that whine?
Well it happened. I did lose everything. I lost my apartment, my job, my car, and not least of all my cat. It was at my own hand though. I'm a victim of my own doing. My cat is just a temporary separation but still that's painful enough. I have the most guilt and anguish over being separated from my cat than anything else. I spent nearly 3 months in the hospital from playing Russian roulette and losing. I can't honestly write further without acknowledging what I gained from this experience. I have very loyal and helpful friends in my life that I had begun to ignore. If not for these people I'd be out in the street or worse. I cherish all they do for me on a daily basis. My spirit is not what it used to be though. I feel low and inadequate. Almost empty. The path back to normalcy is overwhelming and littered with road blocks. I am trying to grow a new and better brain to help me deal with life in general and make healthy choices. I want to be someone else. I'm so uncomfortable in myself that I'd do anything to get away from that person that I am. I'm so constantly self conscious it's exhausting. I get through the days trying to keep busy and trying to show appreciation for all that is given to me. I don't feel like it's enough though. I feel so indebted to everyone that I'll never be able to truly show all my appreciation or repay them sufficiently. I feel like a leach and my self esteem is suffering for that. It's a beautiful day today and that makes me feel somewhat positive but that's hard to maintain with all the other garbage that goes on in my head. I should have a great attitude for being given this second chance at life but it's hard to muster up. My flame did indeed almost go out but somehow stayed lit. Now it threatens to consume me. I wake up every day struggling for a positive attitude but it's hard to maintain as I try to look ahead and get completely overwhelmed. I need to slow down and figure things out one at a time. But I get started and can after can of worms begin to open until eventually I'm buried. Just had to vent for a while. Maybe future posts will be less morose. I've whined enough now I think.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Shock but not electrical
I don't have alot of time right now but I had to at least try to update this since my last entry was so dramatic. I have since been given the gift of a great job and maybe even new career path, although I wasn't looking for one of those. I really want to elaborate but I don't have that much time. I will say that I have a routine again and regular money coming in. I will not lose my apartment or my cat or anything else. I have been snatched up from the depths at the very last minute. I want to thank all the great friends that helped me during my desperate times. I am still amazed that people can be so good and generous. I will soon be back to tell all about the new stuff that has happened and is happening. I am still in shock...and incidentally still an electrician, but only on the week-ends.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Lina
Everything is about to be lost. I'm about to lose everything. I keep saying it would be easier if I were suicidal, but I'm not. Truth is, I am. I just can't abandon my cat. I feel hopeless and unable to right myself. I'm self absorbed and shot through with self pity. I've only ever been able to wrong myself. Nothing else to say.
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