Redeeming Qualities

     Lately I've been really busy. It has been a little difficult because it renders me paralyzed as far as writing here goes and so I carry around this monkey on my back. At last, here I sit. 

     Not too long ago, a friend turned me on to this prison series that was on HBO called Oz. I love prison movies so I found that it ran 6 seasons starting in 1997 I think, and of course I could watch it online. It rocks so!  The characters are many and various as are the themes, but the one that I notice is the "how can I right my wrongs?" theme... then in the next 60 seconds chalk up another wrong while genuinely yearning to be better." I guess it's a more complicated theme than I thought when I started that wording. That is a theme I think about pretty much daily. I don't believe I am doing anything wrong per se, but I don't feel as though I'm doing exactly right, or as right as I could. One guy in the prison is constantly looking for ways to redeem himself while digging himself deeper in the process. I don't feel like that exactly, but I feel like I'm waiting for punishment. I don't know if that's because I did something bad and forgot, but my subconscious is aware. Or is my strict Southern Baptist upbringing, full of punishment and spare-the-rod... at play in cahoots with guilt? Am I simply paranoid? All I know is that I feel the need to do good; to be good. I don't feel shame and I don't feel quilt. No. I struggle with shame and quilt but I am on top. I just feel that I need to step up and help the healing process in general and maybe that can show the universe or whatever that I am a good person; show myself that I am a good person. I am not 100% sure where any of this is coming from or leading to, but I feel the need for redemption for some of my past and present selfish behaviors. Selfishness is an umbrella term in my mind, covering many transgressions. I cling to the idea that many of my own regrettable moves were directly associated with addiction which, had it not been for the need, the deed would not have been. I am a good person. I just hope I can avoid the shank, both defensive and offensive as I try to become better.