Redeeming Qualities

     Lately I've been really busy. It has been a little difficult because it renders me paralyzed as far as writing here goes and so I carry around this monkey on my back. At last, here I sit. 

     Not too long ago, a friend turned me on to this prison series that was on HBO called Oz. I love prison movies so I found that it ran 6 seasons starting in 1997 I think, and of course I could watch it online. It rocks so!  The characters are many and various as are the themes, but the one that I notice is the "how can I right my wrongs?" theme... then in the next 60 seconds chalk up another wrong while genuinely yearning to be better." I guess it's a more complicated theme than I thought when I started that wording. That is a theme I think about pretty much daily. I don't believe I am doing anything wrong per se, but I don't feel as though I'm doing exactly right, or as right as I could. One guy in the prison is constantly looking for ways to redeem himself while digging himself deeper in the process. I don't feel like that exactly, but I feel like I'm waiting for punishment. I don't know if that's because I did something bad and forgot, but my subconscious is aware. Or is my strict Southern Baptist upbringing, full of punishment and spare-the-rod... at play in cahoots with guilt? Am I simply paranoid? All I know is that I feel the need to do good; to be good. I don't feel shame and I don't feel quilt. No. I struggle with shame and quilt but I am on top. I just feel that I need to step up and help the healing process in general and maybe that can show the universe or whatever that I am a good person; show myself that I am a good person. I am not 100% sure where any of this is coming from or leading to, but I feel the need for redemption for some of my past and present selfish behaviors. Selfishness is an umbrella term in my mind, covering many transgressions. I cling to the idea that many of my own regrettable moves were directly associated with addiction which, had it not been for the need, the deed would not have been. I am a good person. I just hope I can avoid the shank, both defensive and offensive as I try to become better. 

Untitled

I feel like there is something that I'm suppose to be doing or remembering. I feel like something has gone wrong but I can't identify what exactly. Actually, I feel like a huge lightening bolt sized glass spear has javelined me through but missed vital organs leaving me scewered yet spared. Something is wrong. I hate this feeling. I've had it before many times. When I perform any self-examination, I can't find any offending moral issues or falsehoods that I may be supporting. I don't think I manufacture this feeling consciously but who knows. As a matter of fact, things seem to be on the upswing. Work has picked up to an almost overwhelming pace, I am very close to getting my driver's license back from my past transgressions, an unresolved financial issue that has been dragging on is 2 days from resolve, and summer is finally here. All these very positive and solidifying events are churning, but I feel unable to put things into perspective. I'm happy enough these days but I can't escape this feeling of dread. It's very frustrating writing this because it doesn't really make much sense. I sound like a brat. If something is wrong, I want to identify and fix it. I don't need my feelings going off and deciding for themselves what is and is not without my knowledge or involvement. My only consolation at this point is that by Friday, one major milestone will be behind me; the mere conclusion being more vital than the outcome. I'm hoping that maybe some relief will follow. This is by far the most frustrating, un-liberating, un-relieving entry that I've made in this blog. Maybe that's why I took so long to write. It all sounds like such shit. I have nothing to offer myself for comfort. That made me laugh. I sound truly crazy. I feel truly crazy. There's really nothing else to say.

Back Burner

     I am so busy lately I am not able to sit down and write. Because of this, I am obsessing about writing and cannot truly relax until I do. I don't have anything in particular to say but I know I need to keep up activity on this or it will atrophy as it is doing right now. I will return to enter a complete post as soon as I get back from my appointment.