Emphasis on the "Happy"

     My birthday is coming soon. I decided this year that I'm going to try to actually enjoy it. I'm also going to try not to be so surly about the mere existence of April. My normal routine is to plant a scowl deep in my face; gloating in the reinforcement of my wrath with every falling drop of our alleged future May flowers. But not this year. This year I'm going to let people cook for me. I'm going to invite people to "birthday whatevers" and not feel guilty or awkward or uncomfortable that it is my fault that they are there. When someone asks me what my favorite cake is I'm going to tell them. I'm going to look forward to gifts although I think this will be the most difficult thing to pull off. I obviously don't expect gifts but I'm not going to dread them like I usually do. Historically, gift opening has been my nightmare. Thanks Mom. I decided all of this around February and at that time it seemed doable. But now that April is here I find it much harder to keep up my sunny disposition, which is worrisome because it's only April 4th.

      Besides the joys of localized flooding and my birthday, my Mom died a week after my birthday which puts a little extra pox on the month. I'm not going to lie, deep down, right this second I fucking hate April and my birthday. I really needed to get that out. The point is, I want to try to feel differently about both. I think sometimes it's just my Spring excuse to wallow in self pity and be on my best worst behavior. So as April gains momentum and I slog through it with a huge smile plastered to my face, I will be eating fried chicken, mashed potatoes, peas and deviled eggs for my birthday dinner. I think I also have at least 2 chocolate on chocolate cakes in my very near future. And right now I am actually half smiling.