I am...

     I feel like a house of cards today. It's a beautiful, hot, sunny day outside and I have allowed someone to put the wrong card in the wrong spot and collapse me. It's exactly like that. One unsavory, yet not surprising interaction with a "friend" and I could not recover. I seriously tried to put this in perspective and move on but before in knew it, the whole structure was slowly coming down. Now my resolve and all the strides that I tell myself I've made are one big pile of 52 card pick-up. In times like these I feel like my life is one big lie. Time goes by just fine with financial struggle, self-esteem conflict, responsibility juggling, just life in general; and then I somehow find my way back to this state of mind which tells me that nothing is ok. So that puts me in two different realities; the one where I convince myself that everything is or will be ok and this one. I try to trust in the things will be alright campaign but too often it is this present reality that I return to. So which one is real? I'm sure there's balance to be found here somewhere but I have yet to find it. I am tired. I am disgusted. I am discouraged. I am lonely. I am hurt. I am pissed. And that was just my day. Now, to rebuild. 

Lost

 

     I just got this thing in the mail that says, "Happy Birthday, Lisa". It's a promotion for 2 airline tickets anywhere in the continental blah blah. I know the catch is listening to some crap for an hour or so and then you're free to go with tickets in hand. I want these tickets so I call to get everything set up. It turns out that I don't qualify for the ticket(s) because I'm single. I didn't cause much of a stir over this but I did mention to the woman on the phone that the "document" did say Happy Birthday Lisa and that alone should qualify me. When I began writing this I thought it was kind of funny, but the more time I spend on it, the worse I feel about it. I can't and won't allow it to get to me though. I just think it's funny in a pathetic kind of way. I am already off my game lately anyway. I'm procrastinating things, hiding from my friends, biting my fingers like they're chicken wings, and being disorganized and unfocused in general. The presence of any one of those things is a yellow flag for me but now that I have the whole team here, I'm getting my ass kicked. I don't have a noble goal and I don't look to try to end on a positive note. I feel kind of neutral, which feels kind of empty. And now all I can do is stare.   

Emphasis on the "Happy"

     My birthday is coming soon. I decided this year that I'm going to try to actually enjoy it. I'm also going to try not to be so surly about the mere existence of April. My normal routine is to plant a scowl deep in my face; gloating in the reinforcement of my wrath with every falling drop of our alleged future May flowers. But not this year. This year I'm going to let people cook for me. I'm going to invite people to "birthday whatevers" and not feel guilty or awkward or uncomfortable that it is my fault that they are there. When someone asks me what my favorite cake is I'm going to tell them. I'm going to look forward to gifts although I think this will be the most difficult thing to pull off. I obviously don't expect gifts but I'm not going to dread them like I usually do. Historically, gift opening has been my nightmare. Thanks Mom. I decided all of this around February and at that time it seemed doable. But now that April is here I find it much harder to keep up my sunny disposition, which is worrisome because it's only April 4th.

      Besides the joys of localized flooding and my birthday, my Mom died a week after my birthday which puts a little extra pox on the month. I'm not going to lie, deep down, right this second I fucking hate April and my birthday. I really needed to get that out. The point is, I want to try to feel differently about both. I think sometimes it's just my Spring excuse to wallow in self pity and be on my best worst behavior. So as April gains momentum and I slog through it with a huge smile plastered to my face, I will be eating fried chicken, mashed potatoes, peas and deviled eggs for my birthday dinner. I think I also have at least 2 chocolate on chocolate cakes in my very near future. And right now I am actually half smiling.