Smog Alert

     It's official. I'm depressed. I got back from a little vacation in Florida (where it rained the whole time) and now I find myself in a hole. I don't know exactly what to blame but there are many suspects. Besides the weather itself which I refuse to complain about, it seems like everything in my life all the sudden is ugly. One of my friendships is going sour. Another one might be going West and one "friendship" that has been long dead has risen to try to poison my hard earned contentment, for lack of a better word. I've also been a little under the weather but that's a chicken and egg scenario. I think it was the depression that caused that. I was doing my best to ignore all this for days but now I have to get it out, put it down and deal with it accordingly I guess.  I don't like feeling this way like I used to. This used to be "my way", how I was comfortable feeling, but now it's just pollution. I don't even get fully awake until I get smogged in.  For the rest of the day I have that perpetual morning feeling and not only that, I look like I just woke up all through the day. I look like and feel like that now; I'm so pissed. I like happy and friendly and love and good. Now, through some random circumstances I have to go backward and deal with angry and grouchy and venom and bad. I guess maybe I'm being sort of a baby about this because the truth is, I have to go backward and fight for myself. I've gotten spoiled by the fact that lately everything has been relatively easy to deal with/get through. Now I'm being challenged and inconvenienced and all hell is breaking loose. Maybe I'm being too dramatic. I need some localized perspective I guess. The friendship that is going sour never actually got to the point of sweet as hard as it tried. I should be happy for the one who might be going West because he is happy. As for the zombie one, I just have to deal with that one as best I can. I'm an expert with monsters and dead things so it should be no problem. Now I just need to stop feeling and looking like crap. I just sat here for a few minutes thinking about that statement and realized that it's going to be harder than just typing it into a machine. I feel sick and ugly and polluted. Plus I think my cat is mad at me still from my vacation. I'm trying to end on a positive note but I am struggling. Maybe right now it's the best I can do. Try.

More to come

     I have been just too busy to write lately but not writing is making me insane. I just sat down to write and immediately got a phone call from someone whose water heater is not working. Now I have to go help provide them with hot water while my mind is writing in my blog. One of my biggest fears (for lack of a better word) is that I will allow this endeavor to go stale. I will have to try again later because I feel like I have a monkey on my back. Right now though, I have to go play hot water hero. To be continued...

I refuse!!!

     Today I'm a little pissed off. It's hard enough to keep one's head on straight without opening the computer in the morning and being greeted by "cruel month for workers", and "jobless rate jumps blah blah", and "depression on the way". What is the real point to all that? I wonder what the people who actually have to write that stuff are thinking about the impact that it has on individuals, let alone the public as a whole. I'm not blaming the people who are actually setting those words to type but I do wonder if they think about what the impact is on individuals or the public as a whole. Seriously, when that is the first thing I see in the morning what am I suppose to do with that information; remain frightened and depressed possibly from the previous mornings reports? Am I suppose to go ahead and take the shot, go ahead and make that slice in my wrist, go ahead and flee the country? I am already using a good portion of my precious moments trying to fight off panic when it decides to rear it's ugly head and I'm sure I'm not alone. But then the battle becomes much bigger as I/we must fight off the attacks of the information system itself.  Sure, these are hard times, but we should not have to fight for our happiness, and loveliness, and creativity, and all things positive that give us acceleration to hope, just because things are tough. Fuck you media headlines!!! I am so pissed off right now. I want to be stable and grounded, and I hate when people use words like that but I just did. And I'm for the first time that I can remember tearfully angry that someone is trying to recklessly instill fear and panic into not just me but the entire public when that is the last thing we need right now. I have to end this rant somehow and go get myself back on track. I know that this media scare tactic is not new but my desire to move forward and upward is.  I can only imagine my feelings multiplied by millions of people who read that shit; the pall of emotional pollution that must be hanging over us all. I am doing my best to keep hope alive. Keep alive. Live.