Morning Thunder

       I woke up this mornin with a pretty substantial headache already in progress.  I'm always fascinated when this happens. What can possibly be going on during sleep that can bring on a headache? I don't drink so I can rule that out. I remember what I was dreaming and it wasn't a stressful dream or anything.  I just popped my eyes open and the headache was my initial conscious awareness. In these days when I'm trying really hard to wake up thinking positive, constructive, self-lifting thoughts, a morning headache is not a helpful tool.   

       I am having a mammogram this afternoon...only my second one ever. The first one my friends had to talk me into because apparently it was time. This one I scheduled on my own because something in there made me nervous. Well, not nervous nervous, like I'm not all stressed out about it, but enough to actually take an adult action and make an appointment. I have put my body through so much abuse in the past with absolutely no physical consequences that I find it difficult to remain alarmed by this. However, the mind does tend to wander. Sometimes I'll buy a lottery ticket on Friday night and at some point I start the fantasy process. How would it be if I won? Who would I give money to? Where would I travel? What would my life be like then? All that stuff. The same thing happened with this. What if it is cancer? How well or horribly will I deal with it? All that stuff. But deep down I don't feel that concerned. At least not enough to wake up with this throbbing mass sitting on my shoulders. 

      Once again it is snowing in Boston. I think this is the twentieth snowstorm this year but I refuse to complain. It helps nothing and I suppose I don't have to live here. In fact, for the first time, I am actually entertaining the thought of not living here more and more. It's part of my attempt at actually thinking about my own happiness. But that's difficult to keep up right at the moment because I can hardly see the computer screen through my pain. I will get up, go to the shower, and try to ignore this until it goes away. And by "this" I don't know if I mean the headache, the mammogram, or the snow.