Enough already!

      Once again this morning I woke up in physical pain. As annoying and real as it is, I just have to sort of laugh because it's so ridiculous. This time however there is no mystery to where, how and why...sleeping or waking, that this affliction originates. I have "atomic cramps". That's really all there is to say about it. No amount of ibuprofen will penetrate this wall of misery for at least 2 days. After that the world is once again in focus and out of danger. This event is actually a good practice in acceptance. There is really nothing I can do short of getting a prescription of some equally atomic ibuprofen or worse. Or I could just shut everything down for a couple of days but that seems dangerous in ways both psychological, and emotional. I feel I need to keep moving in these times of not-enough-to-do. I'm not sure if it is evident or not but I'm doing my best not to complain. I"ve found myself complaining alot lately although I'm trying to categorize that in the past tense. This is one of the areas that I'm working on improving about myself. See, I'm self employed and have been struggling financially for several months now. It is only recently that I've decided that the self-pity, the complaining, the worry, the zero self-worth just is not going to help a damn thing. Believe me, I still get stressed out and want to cry alot but I'm determined to try to live my life without shame. I know that we as a society attach alot of who we are to what we do but if I do that now, then I wouldn't add up to a whole lot. I love what I do but I still exist whether or not I continue to perform the task that I get paid for. I get caught up in the thinking that I have nothing to "bring to the table" if I'm not being a productive member of society but who doesn't struggle? I am separate from what I do. I admit, it is difficult to  continue to find "fun, social" things to do with little or (mostly) no money but that is a challenge that I am trying to overcome. That challenge doubles when I get bogged down with feelings of worthlessness and want to hide in my apartment. So this is the cycle I am trying to interrupt. I go to art openings when I can and I'm looking for some volunteer gigs that are of interest to me. I'm also trying to learn Spanish which I know I can't do on my own. I will have to enter a classroom eventually for that but until then Rosetta, you're my profesora. Today, once again I will get up, be who I am, not what I'm licensed to be, and not feel guilty.