Yesterday was a really nice day visually. The sky was a great color all the way to evening. I guess the only thing stopping it from being an all around good day was the fact that it is still cold as F____ary. I was having a pretty good day personally also. I had a little work to do and beyond that, I had a bunch of personal stuff to take care of. I was busy basically, which is always a good thing. Sometime in the early evening I got a message from a friend of mine, actually two friends, that a job I had applied for in early January had called them for a reference. I had already written this job off because it had seemed such a long time since I had interviewed that I just thought they had chosen someone else or no one fitting had come along yet. When I got this news, first I was excited. Then immediately following the excitement was total fear. It was like when you almost have a car accident and your knees and elbows get all weak and noodley. I felt like an impostor even to myself. Thoughts of "I can't do this job", "They're going to find out now that I am a huge fake and a liar", all kinds of stuff like that. I mean I had a physical reaction for crying out loud. Adverse to be exact. This is a perfect example of my typical behavior. Where one would expect to find relief, excitement, hope for the future, even a burst of self-confidence, instead there is fear, dread, and self-doubt. Not that long ago I would nurse these latter feelings into full on adulthood to the point where they could actually dwell comfortably inside me and even be welcomed. But I am actually on a campaign to eradicate such parasitic emotions within myself. Something most humans I imagine do on a daily basis without any thought whatsoever. It's fascinatingly difficult to be honest. It makes me laugh thinking about how hard it is to feel good about something as simple as landing a job. I keep having to force myself to think in a positive, forward, self-rewarding direction. By that I mean several times a day. I know I'm beginning to sound like a therapy overdose case (or underdose whichever way you look at it) but I am a late bloomer when it comes to emotional wellness for lack of a better term. It's fascinating to me how far I've allowed myself to be mossed over by the thoughts that for once, I'm hearing for what they really are. I really am my own worst enemy. I know what that means now first hand. I have been my own evil stepmother for as long as I can remember. I'm going to try to put me in neutral today and keep on track with the thing that is in front of me whatever that is. I can honestly say that I am happy at this moment in time and that thought appearing on the screen in front of me makes my eyes water a little bit. I don't understand it completely but there it is. Simple I know but for me, baffling and mysterious.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Baffling and mysterious
Yesterday was a really nice day visually. The sky was a great color all the way to evening. I guess the only thing stopping it from being an all around good day was the fact that it is still cold as F____ary. I was having a pretty good day personally also. I had a little work to do and beyond that, I had a bunch of personal stuff to take care of. I was busy basically, which is always a good thing. Sometime in the early evening I got a message from a friend of mine, actually two friends, that a job I had applied for in early January had called them for a reference. I had already written this job off because it had seemed such a long time since I had interviewed that I just thought they had chosen someone else or no one fitting had come along yet. When I got this news, first I was excited. Then immediately following the excitement was total fear. It was like when you almost have a car accident and your knees and elbows get all weak and noodley. I felt like an impostor even to myself. Thoughts of "I can't do this job", "They're going to find out now that I am a huge fake and a liar", all kinds of stuff like that. I mean I had a physical reaction for crying out loud. Adverse to be exact. This is a perfect example of my typical behavior. Where one would expect to find relief, excitement, hope for the future, even a burst of self-confidence, instead there is fear, dread, and self-doubt. Not that long ago I would nurse these latter feelings into full on adulthood to the point where they could actually dwell comfortably inside me and even be welcomed. But I am actually on a campaign to eradicate such parasitic emotions within myself. Something most humans I imagine do on a daily basis without any thought whatsoever. It's fascinatingly difficult to be honest. It makes me laugh thinking about how hard it is to feel good about something as simple as landing a job. I keep having to force myself to think in a positive, forward, self-rewarding direction. By that I mean several times a day. I know I'm beginning to sound like a therapy overdose case (or underdose whichever way you look at it) but I am a late bloomer when it comes to emotional wellness for lack of a better term. It's fascinating to me how far I've allowed myself to be mossed over by the thoughts that for once, I'm hearing for what they really are. I really am my own worst enemy. I know what that means now first hand. I have been my own evil stepmother for as long as I can remember. I'm going to try to put me in neutral today and keep on track with the thing that is in front of me whatever that is. I can honestly say that I am happy at this moment in time and that thought appearing on the screen in front of me makes my eyes water a little bit. I don't understand it completely but there it is. Simple I know but for me, baffling and mysterious.
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