Party on

      A couple of things have been on my mind lately. One has to do with a semi-ongoing tension that exists between a couple of my neighbors. I live in an apartment building with 6 units, so when I say neighbors, I mean across the hall or upstairs, whatever. The issue in this case is basically noise related. Neighbor #1 likes to have people over on the weekend for some Rock Band sessions. This will almost always end in the old broomstick on the ceiling trick, and way before midnight. I believe that midnight is the noise reduction time in an apartment building on a weekend. Anyway, sometimes this takes place between 10:30 and 11:00 which illustrates a complete lack of tolerance, at least to me. Lo and behold the day did come that broomstick neighbor had a party. No one in the building was "invited" and by that I mean informed of this which to me is common courtesy in an apartment building; especially when you plan on pumping that amount of bass. I never hear broomstick neighbor but I did this night. The music actually ended around 12:30 or so and I had to get up early so I was happy about that. I almost wanted to say something to broomstick gal but in the end, my life was not that negatively affected. Neighbor #1 was able to slyly get her two cents in about the noise while accidentally passing broomstick on the way out, but refrained from being rude. (#1 doesn't have a natural rude bone in her body.) However, #1 does have a habit of stacking "things" outside the door of the apartment that are either trash or stuff to take to storage. Generally, things that she doesn't want to have in the apartment at the time. Her door is 5 feet from my door and now I have to look at the stuff that she doesn't want to. The thing that is interesting to me is that #1 doesn't even remotely think that this may also be a form of inconsideration. It is after all a common area. And while it does bother me, I don't feel I need to say anything because it's a battle I/we just don't need. My life is not that negatively affected by "the stuff". I just wish that people could recognize the fact that consideration and tolerance take on many forms and are neglected in many ways. Another reason I don't bring this to #1's attention is because I'm not sure that I am not currently engaged in some type of "getting on a nerve" of someone myself. In a nutshell, which I am aware this isn't, I have learned from broomstick that tolerance given is tolerance received. I've learned from #1 that sometimes we are totally unaware that the smallest of our actions sometimes do affect others. And from myself, pick your battles; is it really worth a possible misunderstanding or worse, confrontation? Usually not. I will try from now on to take a step back, think about what I'm doing and, at least until midnight, party on.

   

Disappearing act

      Once again, I find myself struggling to write here. I cannot let any more time pass or I know I will lose interest and once again, abandon the whole thing like a good Aries.  Allegedly, we Aries' are really good at starting things and really bad at finishing them. My case is not so alleged, however, so that's why I'm here, forcing myself to write. 

      Ok, what just happened? I wrote this whole post about my cat's birthday party this past weekend and all the anxiety surrounding the fact that I was having a social gathering. I was almost finished and somehow, I ended up disappearing all of it except that first paragraph. I won't say deleting it because somehow as I was typing along, it just disappeared. I know this thing saves everything I write about every other word so I have no idea what happened. I'm a little embarrassed and more than a little annoyed at the fact that what was my successfully writing when I didn't want to, is now a bunch of crap. All I can think of to say are onomonopias. Before, I was all ready to feel good and disciplined at a task completed and now I have an instant headache. Oh, (heavy sigh). This will have to do for now. I'll try again another time. 

Daily delimma

     I haven't been in a serious emotional relationship in a few years. Surprisingly, I find it embarrassing to admit how many years it has been. In fact, I didn't realize how many until I sat here just now to try to count. To be brutally honest, I haven't been in a serious emotional relationship in about 8 years. That line took alot of minutes to write and included fighting back a few tears. But that is not suppose to be the focus of this entry. All of it just took me by surprise. Most of my friends are in relationships, from the newly anointed serial monogamist to the legally married. I regularly am privy to the workings of these various relationships and their ups, downs, triumphs and tragedies. Oftentimes I secretly analyze the inner workings of these accords as they would pertain to my own imaginary relationship and I find that there are many common threads I reject, at least from the outside looking in. I find the lack of independence to be discomforting from a single person's perspective. For instance, one of my best friends asks that his partner not go out to bars while he is away pursuing advancement in his passion for art. That makes my head spin a little because on one hand there exists independence, for he is off doing his thing. On the other hand there is restriction. From my point of view, this is a red flag. However, I'm loathe to trust my point of view because of my status. Can a person who is not in a relationship get a true picture of what is good or bad for themselves by viewing other relationships? Does being in a relationship cloud the perspective to the point of blocking out simple incongruities such as independence and restriction working hand in hand? Would I behave differently if I were actually involved with someone? I don't know if I am any closer to answering any of my questions because every question produces more questions. When I stand back and consider this entire entry, it is all irrelevant anyway. It is just my daily observations that I try to apply to my life and at the moment, they simply do not apply. By putting the relationships that surround me under a microscope, am I helping to bring myself closer to, or further away from my own potential connection? God, I'm beginning to sound like Carrie Bradshaw. Maybe it was a mistake to open this can of worms but these are the questions I ask myself. Dare I say to be continued? Absolutely! I can't stop myself. 

Unwanted visitor

      The oddest thing ever, happened this morning. I was doing my normal morning routine of feed cat, make coffee, look for job, when out of the blue, or more to the point, out of the black, I suddenly missed my mom. I have never had this sensation before in my life. Never! My mom has been dead for over 10 years. I don't remember exactly when because I don't want to spend that much time thinking about it, but it's been a while. It happened as I was wrapping up the initial Craig's List job scan. There were fewer than usual "jobs" there today and suddenly, and I mean in an instant, the sensation came. I missed my mom. I can't begin to impart how foreign that is. My mom and I were never close. In fact, she didn't like me very much at all because of my sexuality. I grew up in rural Tennessee and she was devoutly religious and brought me and my sibs up in the Baptist church. She actually disowned me in her will but I think she was angry when she did that and had she not died so suddenly, would have eventually corrected it. My point is, we were never close and she didn't actually like me as a person. Then today, more than a decade after her death, I suddenly miss her? There is no anniversary approaching and no birthday on the horizon. It's beyond inexplicable. I don't know what is going to come from this unwelcome pall that has settled, or is trying to settle over me but hopefully I can somehow exercise it safely back from whence it came. Needless to say, I am very uncomfortable with all this. Ironically, as I look out my window, the sky is looking very Tennessee. There is that land-locked looking cloud cover that gets trapped in the valley of the Smokey Mountains, feel to the day. But that's just a symptom of what is taking place in me I'm sure. A touch of homesick I guess to accompany the mom conundrum. So at this time, this is the color of my day. I will keep moving forward and hope that the color changes smoothly, a word I commonly do not associate with unwanted emotions. I am not going to idle here. I will accept and move on to the next challenge, the way I'm told that life is meant to be.  

      

Baffling and mysterious

      Yesterday was a really nice day visually. The sky was a great color all the way to evening. I guess the only thing stopping it from being an all around good day was the fact that it is still cold as F____ary. I was having a pretty good day personally also. I had a little work to do and beyond that, I had a bunch of personal stuff to take care of. I was busy basically, which is always a good thing. Sometime in the early evening I got a message from a friend of mine, actually two friends, that a job I had applied for in early January had called them for a reference. I had already written this job off because it had seemed such a long time since I had interviewed that I just thought they had chosen someone else or no one fitting had come along yet. When I got this news, first I was excited. Then immediately following the excitement was total fear. It was like when you almost have a car accident and your knees and elbows get all weak and noodley. I felt like an impostor even to myself. Thoughts of "I can't do this job", "They're going to find out now that I am a huge fake and a liar", all kinds of stuff like that. I mean I had a physical reaction for crying out loud. Adverse to be exact. This is a perfect example of my typical behavior. Where one would expect to find relief, excitement, hope for the future, even a burst of self-confidence, instead there is fear, dread, and self-doubt. Not that long ago I would nurse these latter feelings into full on adulthood to the point where they could actually dwell comfortably inside me and even be welcomed. But I am actually on a campaign to eradicate such parasitic emotions within myself. Something most humans I imagine do on a daily basis without any thought whatsoever. It's fascinatingly difficult to be honest. It makes me laugh thinking about how hard it is to feel good about something as simple as landing a job. I keep having to force myself to think in a positive, forward, self-rewarding direction. By that I mean several times a day. I know I'm beginning to sound like a therapy overdose case (or underdose whichever way you look at it) but I am a late bloomer when it comes to emotional wellness for lack of a better term. It's fascinating to me how far I've allowed myself to be mossed over by the thoughts that for once, I'm hearing for what they really are. I really am my own worst enemy. I know what that means now first hand. I have been my own evil stepmother for as long as I can remember. I'm going to try to put me in neutral today and keep on track with the thing that is in front of me whatever that is. I can honestly say that I am happy at this moment in time and that thought appearing on the screen in front of me makes my eyes water a little bit. I don't understand it completely but there it is. Simple I know but for me, baffling and mysterious. 

Just for me

      I am unable to write for some reason. I didn't want to go for more than a day without writing something at least. This is really a journal for me. I'm not trying to teach anyone how to shop frugally and I don't have any lofty opinions on politics or french cooking. I'm just trying to keep a more consistent journal than I've ever been able to in the past with a book and a pen. I seriously have about 6 or 7 half filled to even less than half filled "journals" that eventually get set aside and ultimately abandoned. I have found that writing does seem to do me some good and I don't want to abandon another, so I'm trying this method. It's more of an exercise in discipline I suppose. As much as I would like to be clever and profound or even self-enlightening, I must endure all that goes with this commitment I've made to evaluate and change some of my behavior. If that means taking 20-30 minutes to sit here and write "absolutely nothing", then I will, and I just have. 

Unfamiliar words

      Today I woke up feeling good. But that feeling was accompanied by a feeling of impatience. I feel like there are things I want and need to be doing but am unable to at this time. I have been getting this feeling often lately. I wonder if it is because I really have limited choices right now due to my current work/financial situation. In other words, if I was financially flush and could actually make "a plan" would I? Is it because I can do so little that I want to do so much? Everything seems so urgent all of the sudden. I seem to have gotten a handle on my worrying and my woe-is-me, but find those things replaced by this anxiety or urgency or need for something "other". I guess I should remind myself that the opening sentence of this post is "Today I woke up feeling good" and let that run the show. I just need to slow down and do what's right in front of me. Or just slow down and do what's right, keeping my focus in front of me. It's a beautiful day outside and I feel good today. 

Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

       This morning I found out that Lux Interior had died. I'm not all torn up about it per se but it is a bit unsettling every time one of our punk rock icons bites the dust. The article said he was 62 which isn't that old but still. Isn't Madonna 62? I don't know. All I know is it seems more natural for punk rockers to off themselves rather than dying of a heart condition as twisted as that sounds. So goodbye Lux. You at least appeared to have fun while you were here. 

      It's early February and that can mean only one thing. Well, I guess it can mean alot of things like "fuck, it's cold!" or "tax time again?". But besides all that, everywhere I look there is red and hearts and fat babies with weapons. Now, I know that Valentine's Day is a made up holiday just like mother's day and all that, but it is a little difficult to remove one's self from the candy buying frenzy that is taking place. For some reason, in the past I have allowed myself to be sucked in to the hype and have successfully convinced myself that because I don't have a partner, I am inadequate. The same sort of thing happens on mother's day because I no longer have a mother. This year I want to break that habit and I do believe it is a habit. To think it has taken me this long to realize that I don't have to feel ashamed because I have no "partner" or "significant other" or "wife" even. As a matter of fact, I wonder if I didn't secretly look forward to Valentine's Day so I could feel like crap. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not somewhat addicted to feeling like crap. When I think of what it feels like to be sad and feel lonely, I get this image of a warm, dark, cosy place that to me actually sounds appealing. In fact, it's a place I've been hanging out in most of my life. So this year I am going to pull my single self out of my nice warm cave and be proud of the fact that I have to answer to no one. I can be spontaneous and go anywhere I want to anytime I want to without checking with _________. I will also try not to look at actual couples with contempt or pity according to my mood. This Valentine's Day I will celebrate my single-dom. It doesn't hurt that my cat's birthday is on Feb. 14th so that's what I really plan to celebrate.    

Enough already!

      Once again this morning I woke up in physical pain. As annoying and real as it is, I just have to sort of laugh because it's so ridiculous. This time however there is no mystery to where, how and why...sleeping or waking, that this affliction originates. I have "atomic cramps". That's really all there is to say about it. No amount of ibuprofen will penetrate this wall of misery for at least 2 days. After that the world is once again in focus and out of danger. This event is actually a good practice in acceptance. There is really nothing I can do short of getting a prescription of some equally atomic ibuprofen or worse. Or I could just shut everything down for a couple of days but that seems dangerous in ways both psychological, and emotional. I feel I need to keep moving in these times of not-enough-to-do. I'm not sure if it is evident or not but I'm doing my best not to complain. I"ve found myself complaining alot lately although I'm trying to categorize that in the past tense. This is one of the areas that I'm working on improving about myself. See, I'm self employed and have been struggling financially for several months now. It is only recently that I've decided that the self-pity, the complaining, the worry, the zero self-worth just is not going to help a damn thing. Believe me, I still get stressed out and want to cry alot but I'm determined to try to live my life without shame. I know that we as a society attach alot of who we are to what we do but if I do that now, then I wouldn't add up to a whole lot. I love what I do but I still exist whether or not I continue to perform the task that I get paid for. I get caught up in the thinking that I have nothing to "bring to the table" if I'm not being a productive member of society but who doesn't struggle? I am separate from what I do. I admit, it is difficult to  continue to find "fun, social" things to do with little or (mostly) no money but that is a challenge that I am trying to overcome. That challenge doubles when I get bogged down with feelings of worthlessness and want to hide in my apartment. So this is the cycle I am trying to interrupt. I go to art openings when I can and I'm looking for some volunteer gigs that are of interest to me. I'm also trying to learn Spanish which I know I can't do on my own. I will have to enter a classroom eventually for that but until then Rosetta, you're my profesora. Today, once again I will get up, be who I am, not what I'm licensed to be, and not feel guilty. 

      

Morning Thunder

       I woke up this mornin with a pretty substantial headache already in progress.  I'm always fascinated when this happens. What can possibly be going on during sleep that can bring on a headache? I don't drink so I can rule that out. I remember what I was dreaming and it wasn't a stressful dream or anything.  I just popped my eyes open and the headache was my initial conscious awareness. In these days when I'm trying really hard to wake up thinking positive, constructive, self-lifting thoughts, a morning headache is not a helpful tool.   

       I am having a mammogram this afternoon...only my second one ever. The first one my friends had to talk me into because apparently it was time. This one I scheduled on my own because something in there made me nervous. Well, not nervous nervous, like I'm not all stressed out about it, but enough to actually take an adult action and make an appointment. I have put my body through so much abuse in the past with absolutely no physical consequences that I find it difficult to remain alarmed by this. However, the mind does tend to wander. Sometimes I'll buy a lottery ticket on Friday night and at some point I start the fantasy process. How would it be if I won? Who would I give money to? Where would I travel? What would my life be like then? All that stuff. The same thing happened with this. What if it is cancer? How well or horribly will I deal with it? All that stuff. But deep down I don't feel that concerned. At least not enough to wake up with this throbbing mass sitting on my shoulders. 

      Once again it is snowing in Boston. I think this is the twentieth snowstorm this year but I refuse to complain. It helps nothing and I suppose I don't have to live here. In fact, for the first time, I am actually entertaining the thought of not living here more and more. It's part of my attempt at actually thinking about my own happiness. But that's difficult to keep up right at the moment because I can hardly see the computer screen through my pain. I will get up, go to the shower, and try to ignore this until it goes away. And by "this" I don't know if I mean the headache, the mammogram, or the snow.