cheese with that whine?

Well it happened. I did lose everything. I lost my apartment, my job, my car, and not least of all my cat. It was at my own hand though. I'm a victim of my own doing. My cat is just a temporary separation but still that's painful enough. I have the most guilt and anguish over being separated from my cat than anything else. I spent nearly 3 months in the hospital from playing Russian roulette and losing. I can't honestly write further without acknowledging what I gained from this experience. I have very loyal and helpful friends in my life that I had begun to ignore. If not for these people I'd be out in the street or worse. I cherish all they do for me on a daily basis. My spirit is not what it used to be though. I feel low and inadequate. Almost empty. The path back to normalcy is overwhelming and littered with road blocks. I am trying to grow a new and better brain to help me deal with life in general and make healthy choices. I want to be someone else. I'm so uncomfortable in myself that I'd do anything to get away from that person that I am. I'm so constantly self conscious it's exhausting. I get through the days trying to keep busy and trying to show appreciation for all that is given to me. I don't feel like it's enough though. I feel so indebted to everyone that I'll never be able to truly show all my appreciation or repay them sufficiently. I feel like a leach and my self esteem is suffering for that. It's a beautiful day today and that makes me feel somewhat positive but that's hard to maintain with all the other garbage that goes on in my head. I should have a great attitude for being given this second chance at life but it's hard to muster up. My flame did indeed almost go out but somehow stayed lit. Now it threatens to consume me. I wake up every day struggling for a positive attitude but it's hard to maintain as I try to look ahead and get completely overwhelmed. I need to slow down and figure things out one at a time. But I get started and can after can of worms begin to open until eventually I'm buried. Just had to vent for a while. Maybe future posts will be less morose. I've whined enough now I think.

Shock but not electrical

I don't have alot of time right now but I had to at least try to update this since my last entry was so dramatic. I have since been given the gift of a great job and maybe even new career path, although I wasn't looking for one of those. I really want to elaborate but I don't have that much time. I will say that I have a routine again and regular money coming in. I will not lose my apartment or my cat or anything else. I have been snatched up from the depths at the very last minute. I want to thank all the great friends that helped me during my desperate times. I am still amazed that people can be so good and generous. I will soon be back to tell all about the new stuff that has happened and is happening. I am still in shock...and incidentally still an electrician, but only on the week-ends.

Lina

Everything is about to be lost. I'm about to lose everything. I keep saying it would be easier if I were suicidal, but I'm not. Truth is, I am. I just can't abandon my cat. I feel hopeless and unable to right myself. I'm self absorbed and shot through with self pity. I've only ever been able to wrong myself. Nothing else to say.

Holy Halloween

It's Halloween morning and like always on Halloween, the air is mobile and the sky is nice and dark. It's still sunny, though the light seems to be coming from anywhere else but the sun. The light, the wind, the leaves running around...I love Halloween. As a kid growing up in Tennessee, I would always make it a point to go off by myself on a walk to the woods or something just so I could be with Halloween. Everything was different on this day; the light, the air, the clouds, and I wanted to be with it as it was happening. Halloween makes me happy.

I remember being really young and my mom having to turn the closet light on so I could sleep. I also would never dangle my legs over the edge of the bed because whatever was under there was hoping for that kind of mistake. What I don't remember is when all that shifted. I can only imagine I got a glimpse of some 60's horror classic and that was all it took. My absolute #1 favorite childhood memories are of me, self- sequestered in the living room on Sunday afternoons with curtains drawn, watching episodes of Shock Theater. I so looked forward to that couple of hours with Dracula or The Creature From the Black Lagoon...whatever it was, it was mine alone.

Needless to say, none of that has changed. I still love horror movies, and I'm still surrounded by monsters of all kinds. Some from my childhood and others collected throughout the years. I'm not speaking figuratively this time. I do have quite a collection of creatures in my midst, some of which are frowned upon by the squeamish, but they make me feel good. I was never happier than when I was holed up in that living room, alone at last, to watch my scary movie. Monsters make me happy and today is the day when we celebrate them walking around with dead things. How cool is that?

I'm distracted by the light. Every time I look up I have to marvel at the scene. The leaves flying by sideways, the grays; seriously where is the sunlight coming from? It's been a while since I've had nothing to do all day except enjoy Halloween on Halloween. So that's what I'm doing.

Holy shiv

I've been wanting to write here for a long time but ironically, the things I want to put down are...well, the blog used to be much more anonymous. I'm either going to have to get over it, go ahead and spill it sin miedo, or pick up the old, analog pen and paper. For now, I wanted to shed some light on why this blog is named Holy Bras.

It all started when my friend Brad and I would text each other certain exclamations. All this is common knowledge now but we found it quite amusing that "holy shit" would come up as "holy shiv", and as well, "holy crap" would initially come up as "holy bras". We spent many nights on my porch in the summer doubled over laughing each time the use of these terms would come up in our everyday conversations. Now I find myself even speaking the words "holy shiv" and I just chuckled as I wrote it. I don't know why. I just always think of those nights on my porch laughing hysterically with Brad while my downstairs neighbor yelled at us to shut up. When I decided to put the link to this blog on my FB account, I was afraid of what people might think of the name; and by people, I mean those FB ghosts who show up eventually from the past. But as I sit here and remind myself how the name was born, I feel silly for my embarrassment. That memory is one of my top treasures.

D

I feel the need to write this down so...I am. It's not too often that I go out on my porch to smoke a cigarette, but I do. My neighbors and the part of me that is in touch with reality will want to point out that these occasions are more often than previously stated. With that said, the point is that every single time; and I mean every time I go out to smoke, the fire truck comes tearing around the corner and past my building. This is clearly a sign. The question is which sign; that I'm paranoid and grossly self-centered? Or that I need to give up that habit all together? All of the above?

Paused

     It is clear to me that I no longer have time to write here at the moment. This is a good spot to end a chapter anyway, I think. I feel lame admitting that I can't maintain my "journal" but I am too busy now and am about to get even busier. Work is outrageous and I start Spanish classes this coming Tuesday. I look forward to picking up here again in the near future. It's helpful to me in surprising ways. Today the sun is finally out and I am going to sit on my porch and be a cat for a few. Until I come back...Later.